Thick Dripping Thought

Haven't posted in awhile....

But this is a fun little game sweeping the office!

http://zenithzor.mybrute.com

Click on the link to get started!

In other events....life is super busy, got promoted, transitioning jobs, went to Canada, New York, Paso Robles and Vegas. About to head to Pairs.

wheew...

I am a verbose person by nature. I go on at great lengths about all subjects. Usually, when I am in a relationship there is bad poetry and stories of woe. Words fall out of my head like water shooting out of a dam; no way to stop them. I always have something to say. Whether anger or passion, I wrote about how I felt as a way of understanding my emotions.

I have been dating/in a relationship with Bonnie now for a little over 2 months.

I have nothing to say.

:)

It is amazing the depth of feeling one person can have for another even after only a short amount of time.
The first days of fall are upon us, the leaves will be turning soon in places that have seasons. Here in the plastic world of Orange County nature seems to be on a continual pause.

Fall always was my favorite time of year, crisp air, frost, brightly colored leaves that drift to the ground to swoosh and crunch under foot. It is a season that seems to ask for reflection on life. Natural cycles are drawing to a close and the feelings of change are made more poignant by the vibrant reminders of death that delicately hang in the air on each woody branch.

It is in this time of reflection I have embarked on a new chapter; to fall in love in autumn. I have found a woman who holds an amazing depth of feeling in her heart, and never is shy of pouring her soul into mine. As this whirlwind of a romance continues, and the bonds that tie us together strengthen, I begin to see new clarity in life.

So it has been about 4 days since I started my Online Dating experiment. Since then I have created my profile, and tried very hard to write something in less than 1000 words that epitomizes me.

The "Jeremy Essence", if you will.

I have posted photos that attempt to show that I am not obese or incredibly ugly. No Myspace angled photos for me.

Then I answered about 7,000 little personal questions designed to help you select your mate,that don't seem like a big deal, until your forced to answer them...and you realize how shallow of a person you really are.

The process is: The website asks you to become a narcissus and tell others how great you are, then it sets out to prove that not only are you stuck up, you are shallow individual with a broken moral compass.

After having to concede to myself, that I was not OK dating larger women, or African American women, or platinum blonds, or any woman with more power than me....I was pretty much feeling like a misogynistic asshole.

Still, I forged ahead and continued to search through the literally hundreds of beautiful women in my 25mile radius that were also trying out this site. Reading their profiles, looking at pictures, I began to feel like a creepy stalker. Still I ended up sending about 8 informal notices that I was interested, and 2 actual emails.

During these 4 days, maybe 11 girls checked out my profile, but only 1 sent me any sign that she was interested. I was feeling a bit down-trodden (especially after seeing who sent me the informal notice.../shudder), until I received an email from a beautiful woman.

Tune in next time for more!

My friend Jenny forced/helped me sign up for an internet dating site.
So I am now performing the social experiment to see how match.com is.

I was going to sign up for eharmony but apparently they are Christian bastards who don't support same sex searching (not all Christians are bastards, just apparently the ones that run the site...well, and the witch burning ones too).

So for 1 month I am going to try and see how dating by email and arraigning meetings/dates goes.

I created my profile, which was hard to do when your laughing really hard with your friend standing close by, the urge to enter bizarre information is overwhelming. Enjoys long walks on the beach, human sacrifice, and chain-saw juggling. But after Jenny left I managed to settle down and provide some meaningful information.

I was surprised by number of pretty girls on the site....being under the impression that a pretty/hot woman would basically need only to turn around to find a date. I wasn't surprised by the age however. A majority of the men are in their late 30's or 40's, and a majority of the women are 27-34.

So far there seems to be a big disparity in overlapping age categories. Luckily, I quite like dating older women. Question is, will they want to date me?

After much searching a found a few women that seemed to be compatible, and even emailed one. We shall see what happens. After 14hrs I have 13 profile views...stalkers or promising prospectives?

Tune in next time....

So my digital camera friend ditched me today... :(
So I had to make due with my cell phone. Thus the pictures are horrible, hopefully more will come later, but here is one for now:

For all you out there who are contemplating cutting the end off one of your big toes; DON'T.

I know what your thinking, "But Jeremy, for years then ends of my toes have been lazy slackers, accomplishing nothing but adding a few more grams of skin to my weight. If they aren't going to get a job, then they can bugger off!"

But I have come to realize that there are so many secret jobs the ends of your toes perform, especially your big one.
Gripping your sandal or flip-flop while walking.
Absorbing force when kicking some idiot in the shins.
Extending to the pedals of your car to shift, speed up or break.
And most importantly:
Keeping gallons of blood from rushing out of your foot on to the floor.

Yes the ends of your toes are amazing things. I am greatly missing the end of mine right now.
So once again, if you are thinking about slicing off say, a quarter inch of your big toe; DON'T.

Also it hurts like a BITCH!!!

So.

I bought a Corvette.

It was sort of a whim buy...and I am glad that I am well enough off these days that a whim sports car is in my reach. Still, it was used (I am not insane) and it was very reasonably priced.

But it has been my dream car since I first read about, and saw pictures of, NASA giving the astronauts returning from the moon landings gold corvettes. Since then its always echoed speed, aerodynamics, power, and all things aeronautic.

For anyone interested it is:
2003 50th Anniversary Corvette C5
V8 with 375hp (with factory installed cold air intake)
Racing Suspension
Coup in ALL black.

My own personal Batmobile.

I finally got to pick it up tonight, it has been in the shop for 7 days.
The dealer put on new tires, a new windshield, re-painted both doors, and upgraded the interior.

So I took it out for some fun driving, and let my friends Art and Jason have a go at the wheel.

Pictures will follow soon!

Shut up.

I am done with it all!
Finally.

I was treating myself...but it turned out to be a replacement.
Which is great! I don't have to think about it any more!

Ahh...the completely unexplained message meant only for me.

Anyway.
Blarg...work work work. I work again Sunday, and was here 14 hours yesterday.
Staying late again tonight. I am so so so tired

I can't wait till Friday at 6:30pm.... /gleeeeeeee
I get my present!!!

Give me my mind back!!!!!
Arrgghhh.


Anyway. More OT to work....so I have that going for me.

NEXT YEAR. Listen up fuckers, NEXT YEAR...we are going as a group to Comic Con.
I wanted sooo badly to go as a big group on Saturday, and I know at least 2 other people did as well.

Apparently shit just was too hard to get together, tickets were selling like Jessica Alba giving away free blow-jobs, and people didn't communicate....or made other plans.

So NEXT YEAR...we are going to make it happen...even if, god forbid, I have to do some actual work.

Annnnnddd...guess where I am???

AT WORK!!!! WOOTOTOZORSSSssss
/ugh

I am so so tired. Mainly its my fault. Like starting to watch Fiddler on the Roof at 12am, which is a 3 hour movie, btw. I just can't let go of my ME time when I get home...so I just end up staying up later.

Anyway....I wouldn't mind so much, but there is just not much for Producers to do after hours. Occasionally I put out some fires, catch up on scheduling....but there is a lot of hurry up and wait.

I should be used to that from the military.
Now I have to start working weekends too.

Well good news is there is only a couple months of this. At least time is going by quickly.
I am looking forward to Christmas and then my trip to Europe. Vacation...ahhh.

I am up....and I am thinking.
Two things that are bad for me at any point in the day, but here it is almost 4am and I am attempting to do both. (usually just breathing is pretty much all I can manage)

I am at this weird in between place in my life. I am getting comfortable being single, but I still think about being in a relationship constantly.

I enjoy the lack of stress and drama and high emotions that come with a woman in my life, but at the same time miss the incredible parts, the tenderness, the comfort, the belonging, and of course the love.

After 4 months "apart" from my ex, I have dated 8 girls. None of whom either I was particularly interested in, or were particularly interested in me. Right now, I don't care anymore.

I realize that despite my best efforts there are several things working against me:
1) There is still only one girl that I want.
2) There are not enough women where I work.
3) Development crunch leaves me about 6 hours a day to eat, shit, shower, and sleep.

For the time being, I am not going to meet anyone new.
But I feel...very in-between. I am not quite whole.
Besides I over heard someone saying that I was becoming the "playboy" of Blizzard. A title I neither deserve nor want.

Friends check up on friends.
Close friends check up often.

If you care about someone you should WANT to know how they are doing.

Bah, whatever.

Women suck. They blow as friends, worse in relationships, and are generally put on this earth to frustrate men.

.....maybe I just need to get laid.

So I am sitting here writing in Notepad.
Internet is down, and my new computer doesn't have word.
Irked.

These last couple days have been a crazy haze of activity, between work, wedding, helping people move, refinancing my car, movies, dinners. Wahhhhh.
I social'ed myself out.
I woke up before nine both Saturday and Sunday and didn't get to bed before 2 Friday Saturday or Sunday.
Wheew I feel like the last 4 days have been 2 weeks.

This all wouldn't be so bad, if I could just get rid of this uneasy feeling I have been having.
I am getting tired of all the questions really. Why did you break up? Why aren't you getting back together? Why haven't you found someone else?
Who was your date, why didn't it work out? Why are you thinking of buying a car? Why are you not listening to my advice? Do you still talk to her?
Why are you buying a sports car? Do you really thing you should hang out with her? Why don't you just buy a new car? Why is your dream car old? etc. etc. etc.


ARRGGGEEAHHTHTHT

People need to shut the fuck up and let me live my own life.
I need to learn not to open my mouth.

Still this uneasy feeling has persisted. A little voice nagging at the back of my mind.

I have never wanted to forget something till now. I have lived through some nasty shit, but nothing that effected me this deeply.
I just want to go to sleep, and wake up, and not remember. A good friend of mine says to "Eternal Sunshine" it away; like the movie.
She knows what I am going through.

I am sure its just time. Soon enough that damn nagging voice will leave me the fuck alone, and I will get on with my life.

My cats are both staring at me. This is not exactly irregular from any other night, but on a night where I feel pushed back to the veritable digital stone-age,with no internet, and no refined word processing program, they seem to be saying, "What the heck are you doing? Typing in notepad? Next you will be lighting candles and reading us stories by the fire. We thought you were so cool."

Ok so my cats never thought I was cool.

Now I am going to save these thoughts on a flash drive, take it to work, and post it to LJ there, since I can't even email it to myself.
Sigh, trials and tribulations of a new age techno-narcissistic writer.

My soul is crushed, my heart broken....
Love is replaced by hate.

I HATE...

I need a vacation now more than ever...and I don't get to have one.

Can't put my finger on it.
But I am perturbed or frustrated; in an off mood.

There is no reason exactly for it.

I feel run down,
like I am running in a race that has no end.
Hell, I don't even know what the race is.

I need some emotional stability. I am freakin newspaper in the wind these days.

I am GOD damn mother fucking tired.

Fucking vacation can't come soon enough.

I hate confusion.
I hate patience.

I do them both for you.

We were one defined thing.
Now we are another amorphous thing.

You seem confused about how you want us to be.
Thus I am confused about how you act towards me.
You ask for my patience till you can clarify.

So I wait, confused, dieing to know, craving elucidation.
Hurting from the confusion.
Suffering from the patience.

But I do them both for you.

***************************************************************************************

Everyday I try so hard to not think about us; to let time flow by. I try not to pressure you, I try to give you space. I try to love you from a distance, and show you I love you. You seem completely able to compartmentalize all these emotions, thoughts, and confusion. You seem completely unaffected by this heart wrenching event, but every once and awhile when we are together, I get the feeling you are thinking about us, or hurting about us. I ask, and get no response from you. I do not have the ability to delay emotion, shut down feeling, or focus on other issues. My mind is happy to multi-task worry, confusion, and pain with my daily comings and goings. I go crazy sometimes. My friends say I am haunted by you. Love is unrelenting. I lose sleep, live nervous, and over think things. This is who I am, and this is how I love you. Not because I want to, but because I have been left with no other choice; for I am not ready to quit you. Patience and confusion are both very hard for me to handle.

I love you. I am completely sure that very soon, things will be simple between us again.

Ahhh. I needed that.

So I had a great weekend after a tough ass work week.
Started out with a date/visit with Jessica on Friday....double date really, to a fondue place! Yummy...and oooh so full.
Please quit bringing us food to dip you crazy Swiss people!!
Then Jessica and I went to see Ironman...awesome movie!! Even after watching it twice, I think it got better. I would highly recommend seeing it on the big screen.

After I dropped Jessica and went home, I stayed up WAY too late researching a Catalina trip thats coming up in June (had to nix Hawaii due to cost).

Then I woke up semi-early and headed to San Diego to meet up with my friend Jess. We had a picnic in a park and then went boating! Some drunk college kids were out in the same area being stupidly funny, tearing the tops off their girls, attempting to board us saying they were pirates, and generally being a drunken hoot.

After the days activities, Jess and I drove up the mountain to her families house in Julian. I finally got to go fast and curvy with my little (ok not that little) Toyota Solara...not a sports car...but freakin handles way better than my old Van.

Jess and I helped out in the garden, laying flag stones for a path, moving rock, moving dirt, laying mulch. It felt good to do some outdoor physical labor again.

I had dinner with all their family, 8 or 9 people. I brushed up on my piano skills for awhile. Then all the women got together and sang songs and played guitars, like Jess's family always does. This was the first time I ever enjoyed it though..... I was always so resentful when I was younger. Dumb me.

Anyway the singing was wonderful.

I ended up staying up till 4:30am for a second night in a row, as Jess and I attempted some dog training, and watch the movie Enchanted.

Sunday morning, everyone got up at 7am to my dismay...lol. So I got up, and we all went to a morning breakfast at a restaurant on a lake near the house. Was really beautiful. Later Jess, her mom, and I canoed around the small lake on their property, and just sun basked and talked.

Then about 2:30pm I made the long windy trip back down the mountain and then up to Irvine.
So it was a glorious weekend! It was great to get to see Jessica and spend some close time with her. And it was really great to see Jess, since she lives in DC...oh so far away. And her family was just as warm and inviting as the last time I saw them 3 years ago.

I am now just chilling around my apartment in a towel....very relaxed. I want to go to bed soon, since I got about 7 hours of sleep in the last 3 days.

Night!